It's a gloomy-looking (but rainless), cold Saturday afternoon and I'm just in my room at home seeing time go by, feels quite wasted. Plus I've been on leave since yesterday and I've pretty much been lazy around the whole time. But at the same time, I used to want to have such afternoons once in a while. To just while my time away at home, in the company of family and not moving/doing anything at all. Ah, here's the irony. The concept of a lazy afternoon is pretty much like this, and every time I listen to the radio and they talk about enjoying a lazy afternoon at home, it sounds appealing. Lazy Sundays too right? But as it turns out, either because it's the guilt I feel from "wasting my time" or the boredom, it isn't too great. In fact, it does feel somewhat frustrating. Like you know you should be doing something useful, and especially as an NSF, free days are hard to come by. But nonetheless, I'm sure I'll be craving for such lazy afternoons once again, whenever a busy schedule resumes. So, this brings me to two different, unrelated thoughts.
This is a good example of one of those "the grass is greener on the other side" situations. When you're in the situation, the alternative suddenly seems more appealing. Whether it's deciding to be "Single" or "Attached", "this person" or "that person", the opposite always seems to be more attractive. Before I reached the age of 17, "attached" always seemed to be a good place to be in. After getting into that stage, suddenly singlehood seems so fun, all the freedom, time alone, socialising and lack of commitment. Hahaha what's the next part then? Yup, the circle goes a full round and oh, single once again. And yes (good guess there), "attached" sounds better now. You miss the whole thing about having someone there for you all the time, and the feeling of being there for someone as well. You miss committing to someone and the idea of taking into account an additional person when making plans. Suddenly you feel like there's a gap in your life you want to fill up. Like a missing piece of the puzzle you need. You're left feeling a bit like, someone needs to take up my free time (or it'll seem wasted). "I need to go out and spend my time to not let it slip by just like that." And I probably wouldn't feel this way if I had something/someone else to occupy my time with, the fill in the newfound free time. I'd have something new to focus on, like a new excitement in life (a life without variation IS boring), or a distraction. Of course, this would be like focusing your attention on something external, so that you don't feel the wound on your skin. It's just like distracting yourself from the reality of the situation. But the fact remains that the wound is present. Does the wound ever go away then? No, so the pain will be felt when the external distraction is gone or the excitement wears off. The only way to see the truth is by removing the distraction. And then, the best way to heal the wound would be to face it and focus on it till the pain becomes numb (like pouring saline solution on the wound), and that's the story of how I got mine healed :)
Here's my next idea.
We're brought up in a world where efficiency and maximization are concepts instilled in us from young. We must do as many things in as short a time as possible (efficiency). We must do as many things we can, in as much time as we are given, make the most out of it (maximization). But there's one thing I've thought to myself for quite a long time now, and that is, "Is it really necessary for all this?" I recently read an article which had quite a good quote "We're human beings, not human doing, so we should stop doing, and start being." Awesome quote which made me smile and it's never failed to come up in my mind every time I think about making the most out of my day. The writer was on some topic about enjoying his holiday trip if I remember correctly. Not sure if I'm starting to make this part up, but basically he said he just lazed around his whole trip and took a real break from work, because that's what going on a holiday is about. There's no relief from stress if you're rushing about the place, trying to make the "most" out of the trip and making your "holiday" worth the cost. Mmmm :)
Back to About My Day Today
Anyway, basically today was a very relaxing day, no training of any sort, just eating a lot (1.5x125g serving of pasta) and sitting around at home, mostly on the laptop (most entertaining option). I'm still trying to eliminate the virus from my body, so a good rest is also what I do need. Usually when I have free days like these I'd at least do some sort of training whether gym or bike but I really need all the immune system I can get to get rid of the virus. Tour de Bintan is next week, and based on Thursday night's ride, I have the legs and all (quite prepared by now), but my lungs and heart are giving me problems because of my illness. The heart rate spikes and hovers around 190-200 when I'm straining, which is way higher than normal and really scary I might add. I don't feel the heart working so hard, like it isn't even tiring. No wonder sick people do have sudden deaths when they train. And I wheeze and make weird hollow noises when I'm breathing and panting real hard. All signs of illness, so I decided training wouldn't make me stronger, and I better recover from this in time. Plus, the virus is probably going to infect my heart itself if I train too hard.
Currently I'm on a 5-day course of Amoxicillin, so we'll see how that goes. Started it on Friday 2pm, and it seems to be working, I'm already coughing much less. Though that could also be attributed to the diphenhydramine which has antihistamine properties.
I decided to have a coffee break round 2 at around 5pm, since I had nothing better to do really, and I needed some dopamine/endorphin boost. Coffee-making is enjoyable in itself too :) Sometimes I look at coffee as my version of a smoke break, like how people need to smoke to release their stress, I drink coffee :) It's probably definitely healthier anyway. And despite how I might describe the weather today as "gloomy", I really like it. It's nature's air-con.