Together with a cup of Ben & Jerry's, this is how I spend my friday night at home tonight:) I have a bloody huge ulcer, and so I'm not going out tonight. Moreover, I did some big deadlifts at the gym today. I think some rest and recovery at home is needed. I did 112.6kg x 3 reps for deadlift! That's a PB. The last time I deadlifted, about 2 years back, it was 90kg x 3 reps. I have no clue how I improved without training the exercise.
I'm finding back my old self once again :) I think through the past few years my personality has altered a little, to someone tame, prim and proper, and somewhat introverted. People tell me I've become quiet in group gatherings, and am not the same self I was back in Barker.
Well, suddenly I've managed to find most of my old self back again. Not that I'm 100% back there, but I'm getting there. I decided my self-improvement shouldn't be on the person I was a few months back, but rather on the old self I was 3 years ago. The outgoing, abnormal, retarded Winston. The one who didn't really care what people thought. Not docile, tame, sedated Winston. I wanna be the spontaneous, screw-loose, exciting person I used to be. But yet better at the same time.
Sunday, May 19, 2013
Sometimes you give a person too many second chances they don't deserve (until even they believe they deserve it), and then when the realization finally hits you, BAM!
There are many things I can tolerate. But when a person is two-faced, I'm out.
Tuesday, May 14, 2013
"Katya's friend saw the gleam of madness in Mystery's eyes—and in a
fight the insane generally have a competitive edge. "You don't have to kick
doors down and shit," he said, backing off. "All I want is the dog, man.
Katya sent me to get her dog." "
What I'm thinking right now: in a fight the insane generally have a competitive edge.
Oh yeah, when the situation arises, you can bet that I will be insane enough to rip his skull off. The thought of it sends the adrenaline flowing. My heart rate increases, blood vessels contract, blood pressure rises and my breathing gets heavier
My goal for the new year was to be a better person, a nicer person, more generous (less calculative) and somebody that everyone would like. That means being extra friendly and less 'exclusive', and making sure not to say or do things that may create enemies or leave a negative impression of any sort on anyone. I let my guard down against people I'd normally be skeptical about, especially with regards to how genuine they were being. I used to classify a lot of people as fake and with ulterior motives, but I thought, "maybe the world isn't as bad as I think" and then I switch to this whole naive little mode of mine.
I have realized however, that the truth is you can't please everyone, no matter how hard you try. And if you're nice and kind, your reward isn't the same, but what I believed in all along was true - people will just take advantage of you. And if you don't think a person is showing his/her true side when you first meet them, just trust your intuition - they probably aren't. There isn't much to gain from being a nicer person. Sure, you feel good at first thinking you're actually doing something good. Then people start to take advantage of you. Worse, sometimes they put you down after feeling like they can walk all over you just because you're nice and hence appear weak.
There's a saying "If you aren't making enemies, you're doing something wrong". Perhaps this is really true and there is merit in this statement. I would think of myself as quite a bastard (at some level at least) last time. I'd insult people, judge people, and generally have a very harsh view towards everything. My comments, whether direct or indirect to the person, were usually negative, if not scathing as well. But it seems like life that way is better. You treat your good friends well, and the rest you keep at an arms length. Of course you have people who would dislike you for being so insensitive, so judgmental, so negative about those around you. But then people actually respect you, because at the very least, this kind of attitude doesn't make you appear weak. You aren't seen as a pushover and clearly that's a desirable outcome.
My principles and policies were in place and to be strictly followed. My foot was set firmly into the ground. What about now? Disgustingly accommodating. It is somewhat easier to live as a nice person, you feel happy that you're making the lives of others better. But then all you get is shit and people climbing all over you. Then you feel useless and beaten down. Increasingly, I'm finding my way back to my old self once again. That's probably who the true Winston is anyway.